ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
