I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
