come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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