I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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