i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have aggressive nipples.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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