I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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