I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
