I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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