Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
