If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
