I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
