wakey wakey hands off snakey
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
