i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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