I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
