it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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