Apparently you make a good broom.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
