ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
