my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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