So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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