you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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