oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
