i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
