yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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