So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
