last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
