My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
