3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
