when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
