a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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