i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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