I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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