someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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