Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
