I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
