My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
