My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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