turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
