I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
