I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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