does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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