I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize