you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
