Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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