someone threw a dead crab at me
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
