Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
