After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
