does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
