How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
