Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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