Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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