Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
