My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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