Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
