are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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