Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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