You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
