my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
