I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
