i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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