I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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