His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
