everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize