drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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