When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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