just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
